


don't call me evan

by asexualsartemis



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Backstory, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2021-02-26 12:07:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21849400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asexualsartemis/pseuds/asexualsartemis
Summary: Eddie accidentally triggers Buck to have an emotional breakdown in bed.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 3
Kudos: 365





	don't call me evan

**Author's Note:**

> Basically, I headcanon that Buck hates being called Evan and so I created this backstory that it's a trigger for Buck because I love angst and apparently causing my favorite characters pain bc i'm cool like that.

His body tenses the first time Eddie calls him Evan. Even more horrifyingly, it’s in bed. During sex. His fingers tighten around Eddie’s shoulders and he stops moving. He can vaguely hear the sounds of concern coming from his boyfriend, but he can’t speak or move.

He thought he’d moved past the terror that overtakes him at the sound of that name - his father’s name - but it still sends icy, cold fingers down his spine, even years after the man was put six feet in the ground. He still has a power over him.

Maddie can still call him by it, but her tone is always soft, caring and warm. Safe. Untainted.

But he takes special care anyway, quick to correct people that no, it’s _Buck_. The name bestowed upon him during training for the seals, once just a shortened version of his last name that doubled as a nickname of “young buck” to describe his personality, but grew to be a new identity of his own choosing. Safe.

“Buck, Buck… babe, are you okay?”

Buck feels cold and empty. Eddie had moved off of him. Oh, oh no, were those tears on his face? Oh god. 

“Oh, dios, mi corazón (* my heart), did I hurt you?” Eddie’s tone is frantic and that makes Buck snap back to reality. When others were hurt, fuck his own feelings. His mouth isn’t forming words yet, so he encases Eddie’s head in his hands and pulls him into a kiss. The kiss gives his heart time to slow and his head to clear.

He can’t help the shame that envelopes him as he looks into Eddie’s pained expression when they part. “No, I– Please, don’t call me Evan. I–I should have told you, I’m so sorry. You didn’t hurt me.” He’s crying harder now, his face tucked into Eddie’s neck to stifle the sound, repeats on a breath, “You didn’t hurt me.”

Eddie wraps the sobbing mess of Buck in his arms and holds on for dear life as Buck sobs into his neck. “Someone hurt _you_ ,” he murmurs into Buck’s hair, a low edge to his voice.

“But we were– _finally_ , because _work_ – and I have a fucking breakdown over my _name_.” Buck’s hit the level of hysterical and all Eddie can do is kiss his head, hold him tightly, and rock him as he rides the emotional wave down until Buck’s left sniffling.

“You never have to apologize for your feelings,” Eddie whispers, rubbing Buck’s back. His body is warm around Buck. Safe. Buck never wants him to let go. “Your hurt is a part of you. No matter how hard we try some things haunt us forever. It breaks my heart that someone–”

“My father,” Buck says softly.

“Buck, hun, you don’t have to–”

“Yes, I do. I know about your dad. I know your hurts and regrets. I didn’t mean to hide it. I just… didn’t mention it because I thought… I had gotten over it. I don’t know. The man’s dead, why does it still affect me?”

“I’ve told you… he used to smack me around and he was a drunk, always yelled at me for shit that wasn’t even my fault. Maddie used to take the brunt of it, but after she left it was open season.” Buck huffs. “His name was Evan. And he’d always say how I didn’t deserve to be named after him because I was a good for nothing piece of shit, waste of space that couldn’t even take a beating like a man.”

“He was right,” Eddie begins hesitantly, “You did _not_ deserve to be named after that vile man. But he was also so very _wrong_.” Buck’s breath shudders in his chest when Eddie pulls his chin up to look him in the eyes, so full of love. “You are a good man, a _great_ man. You wear your fucking heart on your sleeve. You have the best smile in the world. You’re so good with people, _dios_ I wish I could comfort people like you. And your determination? You went out for the Navy Seals, babe! I barely got through _basic_. And you’re my best friend, my soulmate, and don’t even get me started on the way you are with Christopher, and the way you _love,_ just… You have been the light of my life since I met you.” 

“Y-you’re pretty okay too,” Buck manages to push the joke out through the lump in his throat. This was all too much emotion, he needed to ease it somehow.

“Very eloquent of you.” Eddie chuckles and rests his forehead against Buck’s temple, sighs. “Never forget that I love you. And I never would intentionally hurt you. You’re safe with me. And thank you for sharing with me.”

“I’m sorry it wasn’t in… better circumstances. And clothed.” Buck gives a soft chuckle, the shame finally ebbing away.

“Stop apologizing for feeling,” Eddie insists on a yawn. “Let’s just… go to sleep. We can talk more in the morning if you want. Oh, annnd, I forgot that Pepa is coming to grab Christopher earlier than she said, so we have all day and night to finish what we started.”

“Mmmm, how wonderful,” Buck murmurs, eyes shut. “I promise not to ruin it this time. And ditto to all those things, by the way ”

“Shut up and sleep, idiota.”

“Love you, too.”


End file.
